SBS #92: Jurassic Back Ribs

If we ever figure out how to clone dinosaurs, we should roast them up to see if they make good barbecue. Mmmm, slow roasted dino!

SBS #91: La La La La La La La La La La La

Me: No, Brian. You can't do that.
Brian: Fine, I'll just go smurf off then!

SBS #89: What do sexy librarians wear?

Me: Suzanne gave me some pencil skirts today.

Brian: Are the #2 pencil skirts?

Me: No, but they are second-hand.

Brian: Oh, well that counts.

SBS #88 - Maybe she was looking for toilet paper...

Brian: What is the cat looking at?
Me: The ceiling. I think cats can see things we can't. They are very smart, ya know?
Brian: How smart can she be? She uses her tongue as toilet paper!
Me: Well, you do have a point.

SBS #87 - The difference between boobs and breasts...

Brian: We are planning on boob-feeding when we have kids, right?
Me: It's called breast-feeding Brian, not boob feeding. You big boob!

Stuff Brian Wears #7: Everything is better with bacon...

even cold weather :-)

SBS #86 - The first thing Brian said to me this morning...

Brian: Your cat pees like a fat guy at a football game.
Me: Um, would you care to explain that one?
Brian: You know, like a football fan who drinks a lot of beer while watching the game but doesn't want to miss anything so he just holds his bladder until the end of the game.
Me: Ah, I see. So, who is her favorite team?
Brian: We she kinda resembles a little bear so I am going to go with Chicago.

SBS #85 - Oh, please don't name it!!!

While observing the growing mountain of tissue in the trash can resulting from my terrible cold:
Me: Don't touch those. I'll clean it up. Wouldn't want you to get cooties.
Brian: I'm not worried about touching it. I'm worried about naming it! How about Mt. Snotrag!?

SBS#84 - Where for art thou spicy pepper girl...

Brian: Honey, you are like a jalapeno popper. All golden and beautiful on the outside and all hot and spicy on the inside.
Heather: That's romantic honey but you've got nothing on Shakespeare.
Brian: Well, he has never had a jalapeno popper.

Stuff Brian Does #6 - The real reason Brian was "craving" Cinnamon Toast Crunch...

Yup! The cardboard Batman costume on the box. Folks, he is a perpetual child, LOL!

#83 - Why Brian will never become a theater director...

Me: I bought tickets for the Kennedy Center on New Years Eve.
Brian: Cool! What are we seeing?
Me: Billy Elliot. It's a play about ballet.
Brian: Hmmm, dancing girls could be cool.
Me: Um, it's about a boy who become a ballet dancer.
Brian: Crap! Will there be any explosions?
Me: I doubt it.
Brian: How about bug-eyed monsters?
Me: Probably Not
Brian: Zombies?
Me: Highly unlikely
Brian: They gotta at least have killer robots or something!
Me: I think Sweeny Todd ruined the theater for you (sigh)

#82 - Why VDOT can stick that traffic cone where the sun doesn't shine...

After being stuck in the third traffic jam on the way home from dinner:
Me: Are you effing kidding me?!
Brian: No, I am only regular kidding you.

#81 - I think Lionel Richie was being rhetorical...

So, I am singing "I Love You" by Lionel Richie, and my husband decided to add a counter melody. It goes something like this:

Me (singing): Cause I wonder where you are...
Brian: I'm in the kitchen
Me (singing): and I wonder what you do...
Brian: I'm doing the dishes
Me (singing): are you somewhere feeling lonely...
Brian: No, the cats are in here with me
Me (singing): or is someone loving you...
Brian: I don't think they love me very much, except when I feed them

#80 - We have a clucking problem here...

When looking at a suspiciously dark paint color called "eggshell", Brian said "If that's eggshell colored, I'm not going to eat those eggs. In fact, I think I might have to kill the chicken just to be safe."

Somewhere in a suburban sith lord neighborhood far, far away...

You think that's bad? Across the street, Darth Maul is planting petunias!

I guess the dark side does have cookies...

Maybe the Death Star has a holodeck.

This is awesome! Just saying...

Bring me Solo and the Wookie.....on guitar and drums!

#79: I hope he didn't injure his funny bone...

Me: Felix Jones landed kinda funny on that last play.
Brian: Did he land on a clown?

#78 - Chuck Norris Approved...

Me: Hey Brian, do you like my new sneakers? They are walking shoes, made specifically for walking.
Brian: That's cool. Ooooooh, I wonder if they make butt-kicking sneakers!

#77 - Eat your heart out Shakespeare...

Brian: You are as warm and snuggly as fresh lint from the dryer.
Me: Honey, that was probably the most un-romantic thing you have ever said.

#76 - Why I am going to invent a washing machine with settings just for men...

Me - I sort my laundry into three piles: darks, lights and reds.
Brian - I sort mine into two piles: cheese stains and peanut butter stains.

#75: A very Sonic wedding...

I think your cousin should have the wedding ceremony at Sonic Drive-In. I can just hear Megan saying "Take this tot as a token of my love and affection. With this onion ring, I thee wed."

#74: A good reason to go commando, especially at family reunions...

Me: I think God gave us families so we have people in our lives who have to love us, no matter what.
Brian: I agree, even if they sometimes deserve a wedgie...

#73 - Unusual ways to bait a trap...

I am digging through the fridge looking for something to snack on when I notice a container of food that I hadn't seen before. This container stimulated the following conversation:

Me: Brian, what is this?
Brian: Potato salad
Me: When and where did you get this potato salad.
Brian: From some guy on the street. Why?
Me: Brian, your not supposed to take food from strangers.
Brian: No, your not supposed to take CANDY from strangers. You can, however, accept potato salad from strangers. It's perfectly harmless.
Me: Ok, but I am going to let you check for poison before I eat any of it.

#72 - Why children should fear disney flicks...

I can't wait for the sequel to Bambi.
We'll call it "Bambi 2 - More bang for your buck"

#71 - Why Brian doesn't bake...and why I will never eat anything he bakes...

Me: How do you feel about shark cupcakes for your birthday?
Brian: What do you mean, "shark cupcakes?" You mean shark flavored?
Me: Are you serious?! Did you really think that's what I meant?! Would you actually eat a shark flavored cupcake?!
Brian: Hey, I'm Asian. We eat everything.
Me: OMG! Don't ever kiss me again!

#70 - I'm a gangsta, Yo!

We are eating icecream on the Virginia Beach boardwalk, when a car drives by blaring gangsta' rap. Upon hearing this, Brian looks at me and says, in his cheesiest white-boy voice, "I'm a gangsta', Yo!" Then takes a lick of his ice cream, proving once and fore all how hard it is to look tough when you are eating a delicious summertime treat :-)

#69 - Sage advice...from above

Jesus saves......and invests wisely!

Stuff Brian Wears #6: Who has a cool new shirt? THIS GUY!!!

This was Brian's anniversary gift from me. I actually took a vote from the SBS fans and this was one of their favorite quotes.

Stuff Brian Does #5 - Don't laugh...it really works...

Chopsticks: A device used to toast a marshmallow on a gas stove burner when you aren't anywhere near a campfire.

#68 - Now That's Martha Stewart Living...or is it?

"I want to be haunted by Martha Stewart. Whenever I hear a bump in the night, I will flip on the lights and say "Oh look, fresh scones!"

#67 - Silent...but DEADLY!!!

Brian: "Instincts are better than out-stinks!"
Me: "My instinct IS to keep the heck away from your out-stinks!"

#66 - My future is so bright...

Me: Do we have a cooler?
Brian: Nope
Me: We should buy one. I want to take our anniversary cake with us on our vacation and it needs to stay cool.
Brian: How about a leather biker jacket and shades?
Me: Ummm...
Brian: Fine! I'll buy a cooler.

Stuff Brian Does #4 - Fun with glasses...It's an illuuuuuuuuusion!

Boredome inspires many "SBS" moments...This is a classic example.

#65 - I think she's gonna need a bigger shoe...

She had 69 kids?! I've said it before and I'll say it again...A vagina...is not...a CLOWNCAR!!!

Stuff Brian Does #3 - A Declaration of Defamation (A.K.A. Wine, Cats, Vacuums and Chuck Norris)

Brian has a bad day, part one:
So, Brian and I decide to pop the cork on a bottle of Cabernet Franc that we have been aging for a year. We finally sit down to relax and enjoy our wine when Brian knocks his full glass over onto his computer. Fortunately, the lid was closed so most of it got on all the miscellaneous items on his computer cart. We spend the next 30 minutes mopping it up and throwing away the "casualties", mostly magazines, coupons and receipts and such. Brian pours another glass of wine.

Brian has a bad day, part two:
Brian goes to sit down for his second attempt to drink the wine we have been patiently waiting to drink for the last year. Meanwhile, I have finished my first glass and am starting my second. As he goes to sit down, his hip bumps the computer cart and, once again, wine goes flying everywhere. Only, this time, the glass, which happens to be a collector's piece from Gray Ghost Wineries, happens to shatter all over the floor. He proceeds to stand there barefoot in the sad burgundy remnants of a wine I am fully convinced he is never going to taste in this lifetime, shouting profanities that I dare not mention at the risk of scaring small children (and adults for that matter). I run for the flip flops while chanting "don't move, don't move, don't move," while quietly praying that he doesn't go all Chuck Norris on the computer cart or, frankly, anything within reach. He somehow manages to remain calm while I bring him his flops. We do the whole mop, scrub n’ toss thing again, topped off by a vacuum vs. cat scenario that ends with Cabernet colored paw prints down the hall. Finally, he sits down and sighs, slumped over in defeat. I ask him “Do you want me to pour you the last glass of Cabernet in a tumbler?” He ponders for a moment then says, with a look of both guilt and fear, “No. I think I am just going to punch myself in the nuts and go to bed.” He takes one sip of wine from the bottle and heads upstairs, having won the battle but lost the war.

#64 - I prefer the "box-a-chocolates" motto

Mamma always says, "When in Rome, do as stupid does."

#63 - Maybe the cat can explain it to us...

Me: Brian, what's wrong with Fizzy? Why is she meowing?
Brian: Oh, she's mad because she hated the ending to "Lost".

#62 - Yes, but can you eat it while upside-down?

Me: Do you like pineapple upside-down cake?
Brian: What's not to like? I like cake. I like pineapple. I like being
upside-down...

#61 - I'm special, so special...

Me: Hey B, have you ever won an award?
Brian: Well, I may have won Publishers Clearninghouse, and sometimes I get a prize in my cereal.
Me: So, I'll just write down "N/A".

Stuff Brian Wears #5 -The Obi-Wan Snuggie

               "This is not the snuggie you are looking for."

#60 - The case of the super cat...

Me: Do you know where Fizzi's ear medicine is?
Brian: I don't know. Ask your smelling-nose cat.
Me: My what?
Brian: Your smelling-nose cat, Licorice. She's like a seeing-eye dog but she has a super-nose.
Me: Somehow I suspect her super-nose is only good for finding chicken and tuna fish.

#59 - In the Viking wedding tradition...

So, Brian has decided to go into the wedding planning business. His ideas for my friend Jess’s wedding involve a Noah’s ark reception where every couple must come dressed up as a pair of the same species (we would be the gorillas, of course). The bride will ride into the ceremony on a cow. Instead of processional music, we will shoot off shotguns. Instead of a candle-lighting ceremony, there will be a canon fired at a boat in the middle of a lake, thus sinking the boat. The bride and groom will be on platforms on the water, making it look like they are walking on the water (kinda Jesus-like). They will have to sacrifice something, light it on fire and send it out into the lake in the Viking tradition and they will have a baked Alaska cake that will have to be lit on fire as well which was inspired by the stay-puffed marshmallow man from Ghostbusters. Oh, and the gorillas will have to do the electric slide. I am just glad that he didn’t have any desire to plan our wedding ;-)

#58 - The case of the missing thumbs...

Brian: Do you ever worry that the cats will plot revenge when they realize the fridge is full of food and that we have been holding out on them?
Me: Doesn't matter. They don't have thumbs so it's not like they can raid the fridge. Besides, they still need us to open their cans of food with our almighty thumbs. What are they going to do, meow us to death?

#57 - Well, it is high in fiber...

"Paper is like french fries to termites"

#56 - An unlikely USO tour...

So, Brian and I were watching Valkyrie and there was a scene where the Nazis heard a siren and they all started running in the same direction, when Brian said "Hey, they just heard a rumor that Justin Bieber is in town!"

#55 - I think your gonna need a bigger tongue

Brian: I am amazed at the amount of time the cats spend cleaning themselves.
Me: Well, if you were that beautiful, you would groom all the time too.
Brian: If I were that beautiful, I would expect the universe to take care of that for me. I would turn my back and the universe would stick out its tongue and lick me.

#54 - Wow! I was not expecting that answer

Me: Why is there a box of Splenda and a box of paper sitting on the staircase?
B: Because I am planning something sweet for later and I want to document it!

Stuff Brian Wears #4 - 5.....4.....3.....

2.....1.....Go for it boys!!!  Most people don't get this shirt right away.  I will give viewers a few days to think about it.  If nobody figures it out by Monday night, I will post the answer. (hint - take a closer look at the "guys" in the background)

#53 - Why I fear the cheese drawer in our fridge...

This magazine is full of cheese porn! Look at the holes on that Swiss!

#52 - A massage to remember...

So, Brian and I are snuggling and he couldn't seem to get comfortable without finding one of Heather's new ticklish spots. After getting tired of me brushing his hand away every thing he would find a new place to rest it, he decides to massage my forehead; yes, my forehead! To his surprise, he had found a non-ticklish spot. His celebration cry in this moment of victory: Oh yes, I give good forehead!

Stuff Brian Does #2 - Look Ma, No Hands! Video Gaming 101...

Stuff Brian Wears #3 - I don't think that's what Hugh had in mind...

If I could just get him to wear the matching tail, it would be even more awkward...

#51 - "Dessert sushi? Give me a spoon!"...

"So, if sushi restaurants serve raw food, do you think they serve cookie dough for dessert?"

Stuff Brian Does #1 - You buy them a toy but they always end up playing with the box...

Stuff Brian Wears #2 - There are no words...

I don't call him "silly monkey" for nothing!  He likes these shoes because he can use his prehensile toes while wearing them.

Stuff Brian Wears #1 - I'm a little sith teapot

If don't ask-don't tell were about fashion choices instead of sexual orientation, I would have to instill that rule here.

#50 - How my cats plan to take over the world...

Strategic Hair-balling: When a cat decides to exact its revenge on a human by selectively choosing the perfect location to leave a hairball so that its human, while staggering to the coffee pot in a half-asleep stupor, discovers said hairball with their bare feet, thus rendering the coffee useless because they are now wide awake.

#49 - If chickens were dinosaurs...

Would people mess with chickens if they were the size of hippos?

#48 - Meatloaf vs. Meatloaf...

While parking at the gym...
Me: Is there enough room on your side for you to get out of the car?
Brian: There is enough room for me and a meatloaf.
Me: The food or the singer?
Brian: I wondered if you would as me that, LOL.

#47 - Why I yelled "STAY AWAY FROM THE CATS BRIAN!!!"...

Me: Michael's is having a 30% off sale tomorrow.
Brian: I can finally make those Velcro suits I've always wanted to make for the cats.
Me: STAY AWAY FROM THE CATS!!!

#46 - Brian contemplates the mystery goo...

When contemplating a mysterious pile of goo on the floor, Brian says "let's play a game called 'what end of the cat did that come out of".

#45 - Brian renames his "pie-hole"...

Me: "There is a book about how our hormones affect our behavior. I think it would help us understand each other better."
Brian: "What's to understand? Cheese goes here!" (motioning to his mouth)

#44 - The genesis of tequila...

Me: What is Tequila made of anyway?
Brian: Angry cactus baby, angry cactus.

#43 - Bread, huah, what is it good for...

Bread is just an umami catcher (i.e. for sopping up the gravy)

#42 - I didn't know you could do that...

Brian: Baby, you bunched up the rug.
Me: Holy cow, the world is going to come to an end!
Brian: Yes it is. I scheduled it. Didn't you look on the Mayan calendar?

#41 - How to piss off a geek...

While watching the latest episode of The Big Bang Theory where Sheldon's World of Warcraft account was hack and all of his "things" stolen, Brian said "I am filled with nerd rage!"

#40 - The infinite loop...

"We should avoid cliches like the plague".

#39 - Wah, wah, wah...

While watching a commercial for the new Wendy's fish sandwich, Brian said "Nice codpiece".

#38 - Thank God Brian is not an architect...

Brian: Turn next to the building that is taller on the top than it is on the bottom.
Me: Um, Brian, ALL buildings are taller on the top than they are on the bottom.
Brian: Ugh, I meant to say "wider", not "taller".
Me: ROFLMAO!!!

#37 - Some things are just emasculating...

"It's hard to feel manly while eating a pink cupcake, even if you are drinking a beer!"

#36 - Things I never thought I would see or hear...

"Letting wine go bad is like making clowns cry. It's just wrong." Then, he started singing "When Doves Cry" but substituting the word "dove" with "clowns".

#35 - If Michael Jackson were a chef...

I was singing along to Michael Jackson's "Beat It" when Brian says "to stiff peaks." What a foodie :-)

#34 - Don't listen to the cat...

"I don't understand why people ask a groundhog when spring is going to come. You would have more luck asking Cori (our cat) who she thinks will win the Super Bowl"

#33 - Clearly, that would freak me out...

"What would freak you out more: finding out that you have a long-lost half-sister or seeing a talking peanut?"

#32 - I can't imagine why I lost my appetite...

When I asked Brian if the hummus tasted funny, he said "why, what is it, clown paste?"

#31 - Where does he get those wonderful toys...

"I need a wet-cat gun" (meaning it shoots wet cats at people)

#30 - No, but I don't think she could lift you...

"Would it be inappropriate for me to have a bikini model as a pallbearer at my funeral?"

#29 - I think it was a little more sophisticated than that...

Me: Did you know that Bruce Lee invented protein shakes?
Brian: He crushed a chicken and an egg into a cup?! (makes a cramming motion into an invisible cup)

#28 - Ain't it the truth...

When driving past The School for the Deaf and the Blind, he said "Oh look, it's a school for referees!"

#27 - Maybe they do valet. They are wearing tuxes...

"BRRR!!! It's so cold outside, I had to shew penguins out of my parking space".

#26 - Jaws II, revenge of the food...

"This food is the culinary equivalent of a shark! It has reached evolutionary perfection! There is no room for improvement."

#25 - What would happen if they bred...

I think jellyfish just roam the oceans in search of the elusive peanut butter fish.

#24 - Sexy fridge?

When discussing the news report about fridge fires and how to find out when your fridge was made, Brian said "just look on the underside of your fridge for a sticker, plus you can find out if you have a boy fridge or a girl fridge".

#23 - Brian, I think you might be a redneck...

Brian just asked me "what kind of wine goes with the McRib sandwich," to which I replied "either boxed or Boons Farm".

#22 - Or a manly manicotti...

If I were a pasta, I would be called Testosteroni!

#21 - Things that go "duh" in the night...

I was singing along with the Ghostbusters theme song. When I sang the line "I ain't afraid of no ghost," Brian said "Who are you kidding?!"

#20 - Anything but you trying to rap...

(in his best Beastie Boys impression) So, whacha whacha wanna watch? (and then he tried to dance like Michael Jackson)

#19 - It ain't your momma's grandfather clock...

I am the awesomeness that quacks at midnight!

#18 - That was nice of you...jerk!

After being told to raise his right hand, "I solemnly swear that I will wake my wife up when she tells me to, not 30 minutes later because I think she needs more sleep, thus making her late for work."

#17 - Not exactly a lucrative business...

I can understand somebody who makes funeral cakes being an a$$ but how can you be a bitch if you make wedding cakes?" (about grumpy people in an otherwise happy industry)

#16 - Ain't no better cure for the blues...

Take 3 Metallicas and call me in the morning.

#15 - He is...the most interesting man in the world...

I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am :-) (He might have stolen this one from James T. Kirk, but it's still pretty good)

#14 - As evidenced by the turkey on your head...

Me: You are goofy.
Brian: I am made of goof?
Me: Yup.
Brian: Garsh!!!

#13 - Let's call that plan "B"...

When asked if he would like to go see the new Barbie movie, he said "Why don't you go see it while I sit in the car and punch myself in the nuts!"

#12 - The Darwin awards...

"People shouldn't be afraid of flying. You are more likely to die from falling out of the bed."

#11 - I saw it in the Sears catalog...

"There is a machine that can convert vegetables into bacon?! Oh, a pig!

#10 - It doesn't need more cowbell?

When listening to Bohemian Rhapsody, he said "All songs should end with a gong."

#9 - I don't know how to respond to that...

I should be a teeth model!

#8 - Why Brian will never own a Chihuahua...

"It's not a dog if you can drop-kick it!"
(Disclaimer: Brian has NEVER kicked a dog so this theory has never been tested, nor will it every be)

#7 - Big...Red...Balls...

When waiting for Wipeout to start, he yelled "Make with the falling!"

#6 - But where would we do the chicken dance?

Coming up on our 1 year anniversary, I asked Brian if he would have changed anything about the wedding. He replied, "I would have had the reception in a bowling alley instead of that big fancy reception hall." I married a true romantic ;-)

#5 - Ha ha ha, good luck with that...

So, I told Brian that my doctor says I shouldn't eat vegetables with the skins on them and he says "You mean I have to peel broccoli?!"

#4 - Just don't say "I can't believe men can't give birth"...

Regarding the fact that his on-call pager went off after he jinxed it by saying "I can't believe my pager hasn't gone off all week": He says "I don't believe in jinxes. If that were true, the human species would cease to exist because men wish for sex all the damn time and it comes true!"

#3 - Must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque...

"Your dead to me" (spoken to the GPS when we missed our exit)

#2 - The X-Men Demolition Derby...

B: If I were Magneto, I could single-handedly clear up Virginia traffic in about two months!
My response: Thank God you are not. Virginia traffic would be better but the crime rate would go way up!

#1 - Being Brian Malkovich...

"Hell yes I would have a drink with myself. Hell, I would even try to pick me up!"

Welcome to Stuff Brian Says, the blog

Welcome to Stuff Brian Says, the blog about a silly man that says silly things.

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