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Why I write "SBS"

To Quote Jessica Rabbit, "What can I say? He makes me laugh."
How do I decide what to post? Quite simply, if it makes me laugh so hard that I snort, it goes on the blog...Enjoy!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

#65 - I think she's gonna need a bigger shoe...

She had 69 kids?! I've said it before and I'll say it again...A vagina...is not...a CLOWNCAR!!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Stuff Brian Does #3 - A Declaration of Defamation (A.K.A. Wine, Cats, Vacuums and Chuck Norris)

Brian has a bad day, part one:
So, Brian and I decide to pop the cork on a bottle of Cabernet Franc that we have been aging for a year. We finally sit down to relax and enjoy our wine when Brian knocks his full glass over onto his computer. Fortunately, the lid was closed so most of it got on all the miscellaneous items on his computer cart. We spend the next 30 minutes mopping it up and throwing away the "casualties", mostly magazines, coupons and receipts and such. Brian pours another glass of wine.

Brian has a bad day, part two:
Brian goes to sit down for his second attempt to drink the wine we have been patiently waiting to drink for the last year. Meanwhile, I have finished my first glass and am starting my second. As he goes to sit down, his hip bumps the computer cart and, once again, wine goes flying everywhere. Only, this time, the glass, which happens to be a collector's piece from Gray Ghost Wineries, happens to shatter all over the floor. He proceeds to stand there barefoot in the sad burgundy remnants of a wine I am fully convinced he is never going to taste in this lifetime, shouting profanities that I dare not mention at the risk of scaring small children (and adults for that matter). I run for the flip flops while chanting "don't move, don't move, don't move," while quietly praying that he doesn't go all Chuck Norris on the computer cart or, frankly, anything within reach. He somehow manages to remain calm while I bring him his flops. We do the whole mop, scrub n’ toss thing again, topped off by a vacuum vs. cat scenario that ends with Cabernet colored paw prints down the hall. Finally, he sits down and sighs, slumped over in defeat. I ask him “Do you want me to pour you the last glass of Cabernet in a tumbler?” He ponders for a moment then says, with a look of both guilt and fear, “No. I think I am just going to punch myself in the nuts and go to bed.” He takes one sip of wine from the bottle and heads upstairs, having won the battle but lost the war.

#64 - I prefer the "box-a-chocolates" motto

Mamma always says, "When in Rome, do as stupid does."

Thursday, June 16, 2011

#63 - Maybe the cat can explain it to us...

Me: Brian, what's wrong with Fizzy? Why is she meowing?
Brian: Oh, she's mad because she hated the ending to "Lost".

Saturday, June 11, 2011

#62 - Yes, but can you eat it while upside-down?

Me: Do you like pineapple upside-down cake?
Brian: What's not to like? I like cake. I like pineapple. I like being
upside-down...

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

#61 - I'm special, so special...

Me: Hey B, have you ever won an award?
Brian: Well, I may have won Publishers Clearninghouse, and sometimes I get a prize in my cereal.
Me: So, I'll just write down "N/A".

Monday, June 6, 2011

Stuff Brian Wears #5 -The Obi-Wan Snuggie

               "This is not the snuggie you are looking for."

Sunday, June 5, 2011

#60 - The case of the super cat...

Me: Do you know where Fizzi's ear medicine is?
Brian: I don't know. Ask your smelling-nose cat.
Me: My what?
Brian: Your smelling-nose cat, Licorice. She's like a seeing-eye dog but she has a super-nose.
Me: Somehow I suspect her super-nose is only good for finding chicken and tuna fish.

Friday, June 3, 2011

#59 - In the Viking wedding tradition...

So, Brian has decided to go into the wedding planning business. His ideas for my friend Jess’s wedding involve a Noah’s ark reception where every couple must come dressed up as a pair of the same species (we would be the gorillas, of course). The bride will ride into the ceremony on a cow. Instead of processional music, we will shoot off shotguns. Instead of a candle-lighting ceremony, there will be a canon fired at a boat in the middle of a lake, thus sinking the boat. The bride and groom will be on platforms on the water, making it look like they are walking on the water (kinda Jesus-like). They will have to sacrifice something, light it on fire and send it out into the lake in the Viking tradition and they will have a baked Alaska cake that will have to be lit on fire as well which was inspired by the stay-puffed marshmallow man from Ghostbusters. Oh, and the gorillas will have to do the electric slide. I am just glad that he didn’t have any desire to plan our wedding ;-)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

#58 - The case of the missing thumbs...

Brian: Do you ever worry that the cats will plot revenge when they realize the fridge is full of food and that we have been holding out on them?
Me: Doesn't matter. They don't have thumbs so it's not like they can raid the fridge. Besides, they still need us to open their cans of food with our almighty thumbs. What are they going to do, meow us to death?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011